Lest We Forget...

I have had a queer opportunity to reflect,
on thoughts that I felt were way behind me now,
n it's funny how it all came right back,
I met one more you in this place...

I got so mad and discouraged,
so disappointed cause, I thought it was all gone,
I lit the flames that would burn all memories,
I was beyond those trying times...

Luckily, I had an ear that heard me loud and clear,
God bless that ear of compassion and insight...

But it didn't stop there,
something more as always was brewing within me...

So as I bring it to a summary, my message is, incase we forget...
My encounter with you was not in vain...
I still believe that people do not meet by chance...
I learnt how far I can stretch, I got to know many of my limits...

See previously, I lived in a bubble in love,
Where in my mind there were no greys, just black or white...
I'd think to myself how coming and going was a spark of the moment affair...

Well I was tested and tried...

In my mind I lack patience, but in action I can wait...
In my mind it's my way or the high way, in action I can accomodate...
In my mind I cannot tolerate, in action I can think in another's shoes...
In this very mind I might think of just I, but am glad that now I know and am comfortable, that his wellbeing can come before mine...

I discovered, learnt or re-learnt, patience, forgiveness, tolerance, perseverence, compassion...
discovered the true nature of the fragile beings that dwell within us...
I perhaps became more passionate in reality, no longer in dreams....
Meeting you was not in vain, I learnt and grew too...

My other message, dear life, once so strange...

Never was it a failure on anyone's part, just a struggle through a journey through which we had to grow...
and we might sometimes look back with cries, tears or pain, but the sooner we accept that we had to grow, the sooner we will move on to the greater things ahead..

So my dear, take good care of your heart,
take good care of yourself,
people are different and you might not get the same results across the board...
"The past is gone, there's nothing you can do about it, you've got to start from now,", says one great professor we have in this place.

So I hope that none of us tries too hard to rewrite history,
I hope that none of us begins to live in history with the hope that it might correct things long gone wrong,
I hope that we do not believe that we can make ourselves whole by living in the memory of long sailed ships,
I hope for a better and healthy tomorrow...
I hope we find satisfaction in knowing that we live to learn and that we lean on the undertanding that tomorrow is a new day...

Put your house in order, my sequel...

Signed, with love in eros

1 Corinthians 13:

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


I have sought for the definition of love, though not far & wide, but long and intensely enough to realise that well, this love does 'work a number' on the best of us...
The best of us being relative to the angle in which this love is perceived...
Where love's existence has been challenged, where love was found, where love was lost, where love is hoped for, where love is fought for, where love has descended and received blows, where love is a fear, where love is a myth, where love is ...name it...
It has 'worked a number' on the best of us with an un-matched momentum...

Many are the times when I wonder whether I will ever truly live this so called love...
Live in the sense that not only knowing that it exists, not only knowing the beautiful qualities of 'lady love', (and I am in no way trying to insinuate that love is female, though if we went down that road I might put up a top notch performance in support... =)) flow of thought return!...um, not only tasting a few fruits in the name of love, but having the privilege of saying I have fallen in love real good and I am living it, and I am loving it...

I have learnt a thing or two along the way as I anticipate this haven...
That love knows no standards, but is in itself a standard,
That love is not a walk in walk out affair, but it can descend upon you with diligence,
That love is not unhealthy, but it can make you sick to the stomach just as it makes you come alive,
That love withstands the test of time,and the tests of time,
That it is a manifestation of the condition of your spirit,
Love remains constant in its definition, but takes the shape of the nature of its vessel...
n best of all that love can be fully understood once its Author has been understood; God is love, and to love like He loves...is something worth the effort as you make a conscious choice to tango with this love

I think my point is, I am tired


I am tired, and at the moment, I care not to check up on my 'love count'
I don't know whether am tired of being in love, or of not being in love..
Do I really understand what love is anyway, even before I think of it in eros, am I ready for it, groomed for it?
What am I doing?
n can't I just, you know, just find myself in it all, faultless and pure love, once and for all without all this hustle and bustle
truth be told I have lost touch with clarity about it...n I am tired

I do not want to think about it, I do not want to struggle with it, don't get me wrong I won't fight it, but I won't put my mind into it any more...I don't want to keep making myself less whole as I consciously wallow in scrutiny, I don't want hints of it, weighs and measures, 'what if's and what if not-s', 'maybes and maybe not-s', 'let's see-s', 'is it real-s', 'is he true-s', 'do I-s'
I think I no longer want to figure out whether it has come in its real form...
I would really like to finally live the definition I begun with in this post...n yes, at the intended time, and with my one

I think the time has come for me to want to just love and be loved plain and simple, no questions asked...

AT A CROSSROADS

It seems like I get my inspiration to write when I am under some form of pressure...
But, today, today I will work with just being alive and happy that the sun is out,am at peace...
Let's see how that goes

Well, what happens when you are at a crossroads???


Speaking of which, I have just stumbled upon a quote online, by Anthony Robbins, I think...

It reads, “You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.”



n, you know what, it pretty much sums up anything, and everything I might have wanted to hear about my question...

Then again, I think it's not that simple... What happens when your indecisiveness, is in a boxing ring with your fear of the unknown, your comfort zone and your destiny all at the same time...huh?
What happens when, you are tied, but then again, you are not tied...in that the situation calls for decisiveness, but the environment in which you've got to make your decision has got a lot more going on than just your input...

Yea, I know that to a certain extent, this might just read excuses, excuses... but... what if? huh, what if??

Put Your House in Order: Nìndaumire Mithiri

By now you must be wondering what the second phrase means,
n I will faithfully tell you...
'Nìndaumire Mithiri' is a statement made in my tribe usually with a sense of finality...
It brings out the experience that the Biblical Israelites had in slavery while in Egypt and their liberation as Moses led them out of Egypt...
In essence, the period of trials and temptations in the biblical story and its end are used symbolically to bring out the fact that an individual's particular period of hardship ended and is now not a part of the person...
The direct translation however is, 'I left Egypt'...


So now you must be wondering where I am going with this and I will tell you...

I am at a point in my life where I have learnt that life is not as conventional as we would like to think it is, all with well established experiences, methods and styles lived by the book...

Actually, I am tempted to use nìndaumire Mithiri, to reassure myself that I have made a decision to be happy, to have trouble be gone from me, to associate myself only with situations that bring out the best in me...n you would be surprised at how many times this decision has been made lately in this grown up world of mine...

and I think I lie to myself...

Let me work with a short period of my life to bring this out of the dark...

As I completed my high school education, fresh, young and naive, though I still am to a certain extent, I stepped into the big bad wolf world with a set of values that I believed in, a set of guidelines that I faithfully 'went by', a certain air of "I am immovable, unshakable"...
but here's the thing, how sure was I that I was all these things and more,
really, what test had I sat for to prove that certain things were valid,
to prove that actually, Ivory, does stand by certain principles...

So here comes Mr. wolf as big and bad as he is or in sheep's clothing depending on the weather and you know what...it was time to test how deep the so called waters ran with this young life ...
It was time for ideas and things in the mind to evolve into reality...

My first instinct was the usual, I shall not be moved, n because I finally realised that it was at my door I told myself that I was not ready to dance with the big bad wolf and do note, while still jiggling,
then came the long hard fall into the reality that I had gotten onto that dance floor,
then the adaptation,
then finally accepting that I was on that dance floor, catching up with those moves, and creating some of my own to keep up with the motions....
Within no time I was ready to upgrade from acquiring life skills to applying life skills and finding their credibility...
and here comes the part that gives me a chill down the spine...
My life skills were then tested in an environment that stood against what I stood for at the beginning of this show and tell...

Without taking you round in circles further, I will just say what I am saying...

Life brings out the best in you by showing you your strengths in action, it proves to you beyond reasonable doubt that you have a purpose and that you have a reason and a special means of surviving just by you still having that breath of life...

Life does not show you one lonely boring road to follow, it gives you the pleasure of finding yourself there with a bag full of cool tricks, satisfaction and belief in more than just the road but in the incorporation of the nature of your very being with the journey and the road...

I end by saying, in my journey..I believe in God my Creator and Father in Heaven,
He gave me a purpose in my formation, and He placed me in a world rich with different beings each with their own purpose...and in all the world, all the world meaning its diversity in experiences and situations, my purpose has to come out strong just as each and everyone else's has to,
and here's the thing, that is a goal that we all have to achieve by being successful at getting our environment as it is to work for us...

So, by saying you have left Egypt, are you living in the illusion that you are rid of troubles, or that you have found a way to tame them as they come to work for you in your journey towards a greater goal?


Let us reason together more, shall we?

Put Your House in Order; My Start

Today, I am faced with the challenge of internalizing this statement
'Put Your House in Order'
It's come to me at a time when, well everything exists barely consciously in my thoughts
the ought to dos, the ought not to dos, the happening and the what's not happening..

See, am faced with the challenge of understanding that am not here by chance..
faced with the realization that the experienced were not born experienced
that, well you know, no one will live my life and my strengths for me..
no one will discover me for me...

So here I am, feeling less than I know I should be feeling,
feeling like I should be knowing more than I know,
that with the places where life has taken me, I should have developed more than I have..

n the funny thing is, I know me, this might not necessarily motivate my first step towards it,
it might not have me chasing my dreams incessantly,
it might just stir up a little bit of unrest within me, get me bothered for a little while,
and um, soon it's written on a to do list and tucked away at the back of my mind, somewhere where after I have 'lived' for a little while, I will come back and demand for some more emotional distress...

sigh, Ivory...
you need to know that life does not begin with a painted on canvas...



there is getting the canvas, the brushes, the paint, the stand,
the mind, the hand, the ideas, the emotion...
the motivation, the inspiration, that first stroke of paint,
that little wrong stroke that refines the right stroke,
there's the time, the critic, the right illumination..
oh the stories..

n what you need to realise is that just like how that whole list of requirements looks,
that's how jumbled up the basket of starting points looks like,
and every individual will reach in for their own and work towards the fulfilled goal the best way they know how..
you'll start by wanting motivation, another the inspiration, another by having that brush, another by just knowing that the canvas needs to be painted on...

don't mind my jumbled words, but..You Ivory, you are the one that stops yourself from taking what you have now and running with it...

you say you should have, it would have been better if you had, tomorrow I will, I will gear myself to...what about now Ivy? How have you got now covered?

Here's the situation darling, today you live that decision that will be creating the 'I should have' troubled situation tomorrow...
Today you live what you never would have yesterday, n what is not for tomorrow...

Am Being Tried

I won't agree to be defeated !!
Not this time!!
I refuse to go back to that dreadful place!!

One Deep Breath for My Inner Team

I shall not self destruct
I shall pick myself up straighten my pretty skirt and soar
Better still I shall stay in touch with my Father
He knows this path, He knows how I will get there

I shall learn where I won't need to follow
I shall brave the path I tend to think I shouldn't follow
better still my Father grants His wisdom
He who made me, owns this life I lead

so I write as I realise
that am not done undergoing training in that area
but He watches over me so am good to go..
always have been even when I didn't know it...
now to buckle up a bit tighter
and to work a litul smarter wit each and every step...

wow, um, *one deep breath for my inner team*