Put Your House in Order; My Start

Today, I am faced with the challenge of internalizing this statement
'Put Your House in Order'
It's come to me at a time when, well everything exists barely consciously in my thoughts
the ought to dos, the ought not to dos, the happening and the what's not happening..

See, am faced with the challenge of understanding that am not here by chance..
faced with the realization that the experienced were not born experienced
that, well you know, no one will live my life and my strengths for me..
no one will discover me for me...

So here I am, feeling less than I know I should be feeling,
feeling like I should be knowing more than I know,
that with the places where life has taken me, I should have developed more than I have..

n the funny thing is, I know me, this might not necessarily motivate my first step towards it,
it might not have me chasing my dreams incessantly,
it might just stir up a little bit of unrest within me, get me bothered for a little while,
and um, soon it's written on a to do list and tucked away at the back of my mind, somewhere where after I have 'lived' for a little while, I will come back and demand for some more emotional distress...

sigh, Ivory...
you need to know that life does not begin with a painted on canvas...



there is getting the canvas, the brushes, the paint, the stand,
the mind, the hand, the ideas, the emotion...
the motivation, the inspiration, that first stroke of paint,
that little wrong stroke that refines the right stroke,
there's the time, the critic, the right illumination..
oh the stories..

n what you need to realise is that just like how that whole list of requirements looks,
that's how jumbled up the basket of starting points looks like,
and every individual will reach in for their own and work towards the fulfilled goal the best way they know how..
you'll start by wanting motivation, another the inspiration, another by having that brush, another by just knowing that the canvas needs to be painted on...

don't mind my jumbled words, but..You Ivory, you are the one that stops yourself from taking what you have now and running with it...

you say you should have, it would have been better if you had, tomorrow I will, I will gear myself to...what about now Ivy? How have you got now covered?

Here's the situation darling, today you live that decision that will be creating the 'I should have' troubled situation tomorrow...
Today you live what you never would have yesterday, n what is not for tomorrow...